In my poverty, I sometimes worry, that perhaps I might become so envious of the wealth of others, to the point of my becoming nothing but a bitter old shrew. I'd rather that'd not happen. Who knows? Perhaps I am an old shrew now and just don't realize it. Anyway, you can't find contentment worrying about keeping up with the Jones'...or Smith's, or anybody else, for that matter. I've been blessed, in the past, with being totally content--sometimes for days, sometimes only an moment or two.

The nice thing about being content, is that it's just so...simple.

It doesn't always take much for contentment to steal upon you. For me, it might be a pause in a busy day, to sit and listen to the sympathetic rain softly falling, the collection of glad birdcalls, the wooly clouds scattering across the sky, the rich green trees slowly perculating crystal rain drops from their verdant leaves. Or, it might simply be taking a moment to sip some chocolate coffee late at night, while listening to some smooth jazz and watching the cat curled up in a ball, fast asleep, in a box he/she had found to call its own with his/her own, the eyes shut tight and a little cat smile on its face.

Alas, I can only imagine contentment tonight. I really must find a better job...not neccessarily a better paying one...just somewhere that I am at least thought of as a human being, would be nice. The racino, SGR, yuch! What a bunch of underclass louts run that place. They may have the money..but brother...they never had the class to go with it...they run that place like a bunch of thugs from Brooklyn (beg your pardon if you're from there, nothing personal) who suddenly have money, I swear, they do not have the wherewithall to know how to run an establishment with dignity, courtsey and just plain basic common sense. They run that place like a bunch of kids left with the keys to mom and dad's candy store. They can buy six big screen TV's...but the backstretch area never has enough TP, and I can't get a new sponge mop for one of the offices...and forget about new vaccum cleaners, or roof repairs for some of the offices...not gonna' happen. Some of the race-related offices have roof's so bad--they look like they're going to cave in at any moment--but casino offices are nice and spiffy, you bet. They (mgt.) only want to spend money on the window dressing, they don't care if the rest of the place falls down around everyone else's ears--no class at all. (Sorry, but my job is all I have at the moment, and it goes hard on me when I see stupidity and can't do anything about it.)

Anything worthwhile, to me, has to start from the bottom up, anything that you really want to mean something, that is...I don't know if that makes sense or not, but...anyway, that's just how I feel.

I used to give this place 110%...now I just do my job, and no more. Why bother? I told them about a dangerous situation, involving a raised cement loading platform and guests using that as an exit--some of them drunk. I use this self-same platform to haul bags of garbage and boxes to the dumpster. What did management do? They locked the gate...and blocked my only reasonable access to the dumpsters...now I have to go way, way, way around, get in the guests way, etc...and, I never got any thanks for bringing the problem to management's attention, either. Big raspberry for SGR and DN. Make it a double...and throw in a little bit of sign language, too. Inconsiderate ba__d's. Did I mention that I hate my job, by the way, ha-ha?

I lost my wallet at work, but it was found, only problem is, that I have to drive down there tommorrow on my day off. Terriffic. But at least my med cards are still in it...hope no one took the blank check...the one time...in fact, the only time...I actually put a blank check in my wallet...something I never usually do...figures, right? And I just made a large deposit at the bank yesterday, to cover my bills, car payment, part of the month's rent...(huge sigh).

I think Flame wants me to go to bed...she's perched on the desk, staring at me with this disgusted look on her face...she used to do that a lot with my late mom...get unhappy if mom didn't go to bed by a certain time...little Flamey loves to cuddle up to people when they're sleeping. She's a smart little cookie, she is.

10:25 am:

My life sometimes lately, seems to be trickling past me, like sand sifting through fingers. Sometimes, I wish I could make the minutes of my life go slower...and sometimes the days drag on so tediously, I wish the hours would go faster. Life can be a series of contradictions, can't it?

It's hard, not being able to do anything, especially when you've done so much in your past. Now, I'm stuck in one place, going absolutely nowhere, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm never going to get out of this mess. I'm even more afraid that things will get worse--and I know from long experience, that if things do indeed grow worse, it will be quite sudden...and most likely will not be pleasant, as there probably won't be any way out of the situation but to make things even worse--that's usually how it goes, sometimes, it seems: bad to worse to just plain living horror.

The terrible thing is, things I used to take pleasure in--small pleasures, I mean, like writing or reading or just enjoying nature or going for a drive in the country--just aren't doing much for me anymore...and that puzzles me. The last time something like this happened, was when I was 23, shortly after my dad left my mom, and we lost my childhood home--basically everything I ever knew and loved--gone, poof!, gone forever...I remember, that last walk I took in my woods that I'd always loved so well, that rainy November morning...it left me cold and empty...I felt nothing. It wasn't until years later, that I realized why that last walk felt so strange to me: For the first time in my life, I had walked through my woods and fields, and felt--nothing. I'd always felt something before, always. I loved that place with all my heart, it was as much a part of who I was as a person, as my own soul, it was a part and parcel of my own being...and for the first time that bleak November day, my soul was empty, there was nothing there inside me. I didn't belong there anymore, in that place. Not a pleasant sensation, I must tell you...and now, I'm starting to feel that way again. Why?

I wish that I had something that I could grab on to. Something that could make me feel whole again, like I was actually worth something, that I actually belonged somewhere. Honestly, I don't know that I ever will.

8:13 pm (EST):

Gosh, I'm bored. I hate to admit this, but times like this, I really miss cable TV. Wish I could afford it---even with the cable nazi's like Time-Warner to deal with, at least it would give me some entertainment. I heard that there's a Queer Eye marathon today, and also that Doctor Who is repeated on Sundays...ah, well.

I went surfing on Amazon, to see if they had any cheap (under $10) Dr. Who videos--found one, the Horror of Fang Rock, which was a pretty good one of Tom Baker's...but then found out I need a credit card to order, and...no credit cards. So much for that.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is a fun, fun show, and I miss it a lot--haven't seen it in over a year. Those guys are terriffic and I'm glad to know they're still going strong. Maybe someday I can get hold of a VHS or something from the show....not holding my breath, though.

I was reading some Doctor Who blogs (Am I still a "Whovian"/"anorak"? No idea...haven't followed the show in years, but read the books when I could get my hands on one.) As I was saying, there seems to be mixed reviews regarding the current season over there in the U.K. Guess I'll have to wait a year, or two, or three, to see what's going on with the show. Most people seem to like the new Doctor, which I guess is a good sign, anyway...not sure how I feel about the love interest thing...big departure from Who tradition there...guess I have no choice but learn to live with it...after all, as much as I love the show...it's still just a TV show, not real life or anything...just good fiction...usually, anyway.

Tried going into town, but cannot stand some of the motorcycle people--I'm sure many of them are nice enough...but the few that I encountered had a serious attitude problem (as in the kind of attitude that's inserted via suppository, and never quite matures to the level of adulthood). One bunch was parked illegally, then grumbled, bit__d and moaned when they thought I parked too close to their precious bikes (I was not only parked legally and a decent enough distance from their bikes, but well within the parking lines). I felt like telling the little tourons in their New Jersey biker jackets, to kiss off, but decided to give them "the look" instead. (This is very successful for me. Basically, I look the offenders in the eye with a mother's not happy with you-type disgusted look and shake my head at them, and walk away. Surprisingly, it usually works--though thankfully I seldom have to employ it.) At least acting class turned out to be good for something. But gosh, like many non-bikers and non-business people in this area, I dread Americade--loads of people go away for the week, what does that tell you?

So, I toddled myself off up the road to the ice cream stand in Warrensburg for a bit of a treat. Felt I earned that, at least. Only some idiot touron from downstate (according to the dealer's address on the lic. plate holder) made an illegal turn right in front of me, and I had to jam on the brakes and almost crashed right into her/him/it...and then the idiot proceeded to give me the one finger salute (why? no idea, because he or she is a neaderthal and can't think/vocalize properly?) and to drive 20mph in a 45mph zone--then, after a block, started going 50 in a 30 zone, dropping a beer can out the window in the process...ugh! Did I mention I am not thilled with tourist season? Anyway, one good thing about being a "local" is that you get to know the back roads real good before the season starts..so I got my ice cream eventually (cream and coffee fudge, if you're at all interested.) I moved up here to get away from these cardboard people...can't win for losing, eh?

I did get a chance to introduce myself to a charming lady this morning...she's in her 90's and the sweetest soul you'd ever want to meet..still very active and caring...and just a lovely, lovely person...I hope we'll have more time to chat some other time soon. But right now....

Now I'm sitting here, writing not much of anything in a a blog that hardly anyone ever reads. Did I mention that poverty stinks? What're ya' gonna do, ey? Make dinner, ha-ha! Think I'll make some potato salad and some BBQ hot dogs or smoked sausage for dinner. Anyhow, I hope if anyone has read this far, that he or she isn't bored and is having a good day off.

I wish I could do something different with my life...anything, really....write features for a newspaper, drive a big old tractor trailer down the highway, be a BBC television presenter, ha-ha. Heck, I'd just settle for a job where I'm actually doing something that matters to someone--anyone!

I don't mind being a nobody, really, it's perfectly okay with me...it's not doing anything with my life..being stuck in the mire of a low-wage dead-end job for the rest of my life, that bothers me to no end. There's nothing wrong with what I do, honest, it's just not what I want to be doing...I went back to college at 39 years of age, to get out of this trap...and ironically, I'm actually worse off than before--when I only had a small disability check to depend on, no transportation out of the tiny rural town I was living in, and nothing to do but deliver food once a week as a Meals-on-Wheels volunteer and take my mom to bingo at the emergency squad building every Saturday night. I was better off, financially and mentally then, than now. Sure, through college, I got to travel overseas and learn about theater and anthropology, news and creative writing, politics, and the like--I learned to get over my shyness in front of groups, to be bolder and not afraid to try new things, to be creative and to think more openly...but, future-wise, income-wise, I'm worse off than ever before in my life...Basically, in the terms of jobs, I'm right back where I was as a teenager...and it hurts like you wouldn't believe! And it's the waiting that gets most on my nerves.

Waiting for what? Waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say...waiting for the next really bad thing to happen, for the next minor/major crises...it's very much like torture...especially when I know that I'll most likely have to endure it alone. I do have a few friends--but I NEVER see them! We just e-mail each other when we have the time. Sometimes go weeks or even months without any contact with my friends...and I don't have many...but quality is better than quanity.
I mean, I eat alone, write this blog alone, sleep...well, the cats sleep with me, but you know what I mean. I don't mind aloneness...been a loner all of my life...but when you've had the care of a parent in you home/life day-in and day-out for years on end...and suddenly, there's no one there to care for, no family, no one but you...it's quite an adjustment, to say the least. I still have my dreams, though now they seem laughable, they are so very far away....ironically, one of my dreams, for many years, was to visit the U.K.--and while I've visited other countries: NL, Iceland and Egypt--ironically, my only time in the U.K., was flying over Scotland/London in the fog, and 3 hours stuck in Heathrow...now, I know that it probably just wasn't meant to be. But, dreams are free, so I can file the dream away on the back shelf of my heart and leave it there in good keeping. I leave you with a poem, from Don Juan by Lord Byron:

A mighty mass of brick and smoke and shipping,
Dirty and dusty, but wide as eye could reach, and
here and there a sail just skipping
In sight, then lost amidst the forestry
Of masts; a wilderness of steeples peeping
On tiptoe through their sea-coal canopy;
A huge, dun cupola, like a foolscap crown
On a fool's head--and there is London Town.

PHOTO ABOVE:

Never saw this episode of DW, but I laughed at this photo: maybe he's chasing down one of my messier co-workers, ha-ha!