I've always felt that wanting less was better than wanting more. Greed is the feeding ground of evil...or so it seems to me, sometimes. Not meaning to get all religious or anything, I mean, the more you have, the more you seem to want, right? It's the nature of the human race....look at Caesar, or Genghis Kahn, or Hitler, or Corporate America.
Still, it's hard when you have so little, and you desperately need stuff...and when you're surrounded by rich people who take everything for granted...it's hard. I am sooo tired of poverty. You have no idea.
Took me over an hour longer to get home tonight, due to the rain, and several times I went off of the road. I've driven 50 miles home from Vermont on a narrow two-lane blacktop in a blinding blizzard, and tonight, was just as bad, believe me...in fact, worse, because I never once lost the road in the blizzard--even though visibility was down to a foot or two...tonight, the windsheild got so bad, I could see zero. The way the rain was, sometimes, it was like trying to look through pebbled glass...rough trip. Sometimes, I don't know how I keep going...
When we were kids, my mom gave us a pile of old 45 records to play with. There was one, that was a favorite of my sister's, the flip side of the single "Johnny Angel," titled (I think) "When's it gonna' get me?" Well, I'm starting to feel like that song should become my own personal anthem. Just once, just for one more time...I would love some good news...I mean REAL good news. (Huge sigh.)
My student loans are coming due, and I've no money. I still owe $500 for mom's funeral, no car insurance in a few more days, unless I can find something....car wouldn't go in reverse at first, this morning..it's really starting to go...and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, I still owe the landlord's $650, I'm only supposed to have 2 cats--I still have all 7, my body (and spirit) is really taking punishment from this job--some nights I can barely walk to the car afterwards. Why am I here? What's it all for? Why do I even bother? Is this living? Who cares, right? Why care? Nobody reads this stupid stuff I write, why should they? Who am I? Nobody. Just Nancy is nobody. I can't say just how much I really do hate myself tonight. I just don't see anything ever getting better. I'm going to die penniless and alone in a pauper's grave...almost like my mom did..and that's not anything to look forward to.
I mean, look at me. I'm just a fat, dumpy forty-something, with no future, no lovelife (ever), no money, a lousy personality (sometimes, like right now), no family(to speak of), no possessions of any real value. Nothing. Who the heck wants to read what I write? This is reality. It ain't no TV show. Reality is hard, it hurts and it's just bad news.
I feel so incredibly useless. I am so good on the phones, and with helping people==but can't get a job doing what I do best, because---and let's face it, they're (employers) right: I'm a loser. Right at this very moment, I honestly feel like garbage.
Someone told me tonight that I needed a haircut...time to break out those kitchen shears (sigh). Only problem is, I can't see the back of my head too good, and my hands aren't as steady as they used to be.
I don't have much in life to look forward to, so I take things as I can get them. I did catch a couple of minutes of Doctor Who tonight. Only a couple...just wanted a glimpse of a flying Dalek...great special effects and superb acting. Even gave me some tiny bits to add to my current efforts at a DW short story. And, I play cards on the computer: cribbage, euchre, whist, Texas Hold-em, Spades and 7 card stud. I have a little picture puzzle and a train puzzle to fool with, when boredom overcomes me, I have a few DVD's for the computer and a handful of tapes (which I've seen a zillion times already) for the VCR...and I often get one local station on the TV, and, of course, there's my books as well as the internet. So, I do have some more entertainment than I've had at other times. And, sometimes, if I watch my funds, I can treat myself to an ice cream or McDonalds hamburger. And there's always the park on the lake to sit and watch the boats/tourists. I suppose that's more than some people have...still, I do get terribly bored, sometimes. But, I've had my adventures and travel in this lifetime, already, which is more than a lot of people have had...so, maybe I'm just being a spoiled brat for complaining, I don't know...don't know much of anything, anymore.
'Fraid this isn't a very cheery blog, tonight...it's the rain thing with the car..and my job and the money...it's just depressing the heck out of me tonight. Sorry. Maybe tommorrow I'll feel completely different about things, who knows?
ADDENDUM:
7:15 AM:
Well, I had an omen. Don't know if anyone believes in signs, but I've been getting this particular type of "sign" for over 2 decades--and it, unfortunately for me, has yet to be wrong. I have one kind of bad dream...and it is invariably a harbinger of really bad stuff. Since 1983 (the year my parents divorced, all our pets died, my best friend died and we lost our childhood home) I've been having a dream about tornados. I am definately not kidding. Every single time I dream that a tornado is coming....something bad happens...and the more this dream is repeated, the worse the "bad" is. For instance...in the months leading up to my mom's death, tornado dreams...loads of them. Shortly before I lost our home...tornado dreams...multiples. Now, I've had 2 tornado dreams....they always happen in the morning. In this dream, I was at work, doing my job, everyone was happy with my work...next thing you know, me and the EMT's (they employ them where I work) are looking at the radar for our area...everything's fine, just some rain--until: it shows a terrible tornado on the screen. It's headed: naturally, right exactly for us. Next thing I know, I'm packing the cats into some kind of storm shelter, and the tornado/storm is right on my heels....and I wake up sweating and scared, 'cause I know what this dream means and I know from long experience that there's nothing in the world I can do to prevent whatever's about to go down. It may not be today or tommorrow...may not be for weeks, but it IS going to happen. And God, I'm terrified. I'm not joking about this. I'm not making this up, I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not imagining things. This really has beein happening for a long time. I haven't had any bad dreams in many, many weeks. Now, wham-wham! A one-two punch in the space of a week, same type of dream...something really awful is about to happen to me. Eviction? Car gone? Violence? Accident? Am I going to lose a cat/cats? Job loss, heavy bill and/or fine, homelessness, jail (you never know with these dreams), fire or a natural disaster, robbery, death of a close relation or friend, a serious medical problem with me...it could be anything. Maybe the world won't come crashing to its end...but for me, it's the waiting that's hard...and the knowing. This dream has never been wrong...I wish to heaven that it was just a bad dream, oh how I wish....but in over 25 years, it hasn't lied to me yet.
Maybe I'll get lucky and the dream will be prevented from happening, but....I just have a hard time being optimistic with the knowelge of this dream's track record, and of course, everything that's been happening to me.
News: Well, the courts are backing GB all the way...no surpise there, the right-wingers own the country, the courts, the constitution....sieg heil! Heil Bush! Well, that's how I've been feeling about this idiot for years. The man just has no conscience or backbone or tact or much of anything. A vain, immature, shallow person. Worst pres. this country has ever had...and I thought that fruitcake Regan was bad...geez. Almost makes me long to have Nixon back...almost. At least I think Nixon would deal correctly with Iran, which is more than any of the presidents of the last 25 years could do. But hey, that's just my free opinion.
12:13 PM:
Well, another day. Went back to bed for a bit, after writing the above entry. My left knee was hurting, so I took some asprin and propped it up for a few hours. Bursitis I guess, the rainy damp weather is lovely on my joints. Fell asleep, had an interesting dream this time...maybe my mind's way of making up for the nightmare, earlier. Dreamed I'd traveled to an alternate Earth...was boating in the Congo and just lots of weird stuff like that...it was the same time and place, just totally backwards and different, people all had supernatural powers...weird dream, but interesting nonetheless.
Well, was going to put another entry on my playwrite27 tiptop page, but changed my mind. the piece isn't ready yet....a poem. Anyway, around 7 people--total strangers-- have checked out the page in the last day or so...huh, well, whatever. Mr. Happy Hammer is back on the roof today. He'd better not be doing that too early tommorrow, or I'm going to have to ask for a reduction in my rent...this gal is tired and desperately needs to catch up on some sleep.
The motorcycles are roaring by the house in a constant steady stream...they estimate some 50,000 of them are in town this weekend...a town whose normal population I'm told (October through May, roughly) is something close to 15,000. The noise is just awful. I don't blame people for going away for the weekend. The Belmont Stakes is today--won't be the same without Barbaro. I favor Bluegrass Cat. I picked him second for the Kentucky Derby, and was right...think he may have a good shot today, don't know though. Steppenwolfer is looking okay, too, as well as one other horse. I haven't heard about Barbaro, lately. Hope he's recovering okay. What a wonderful horse. The big library in Glens Falls is having their booksale this weekend, want to go, but not sure I can spare the cash, right now. Would be lovely to have something new to read, though. I was trying to save $10 every other week, so I could buy the New Dr. Who videos when they come out, but now that money has to go towards the car. :(
Maybe I shouldn't wish for something good to happen. Maybe all I should do is simply be thankful nothing bad is happening to me right here and now. Maybe that's all there is for me, in this life. Maybe that's all I can hope for. Sometimes my life feels shrouded by perpetual darkness, but hope is a candle that illuminates the musty corners of my soul.
Quote from Keats:
..."When dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud, Sweet Hope! celestial influence round me shed, waving thy silver pinions o'er my head.---from Hope.
Still, it's hard when you have so little, and you desperately need stuff...and when you're surrounded by rich people who take everything for granted...it's hard. I am sooo tired of poverty. You have no idea.
Took me over an hour longer to get home tonight, due to the rain, and several times I went off of the road. I've driven 50 miles home from Vermont on a narrow two-lane blacktop in a blinding blizzard, and tonight, was just as bad, believe me...in fact, worse, because I never once lost the road in the blizzard--even though visibility was down to a foot or two...tonight, the windsheild got so bad, I could see zero. The way the rain was, sometimes, it was like trying to look through pebbled glass...rough trip. Sometimes, I don't know how I keep going...
When we were kids, my mom gave us a pile of old 45 records to play with. There was one, that was a favorite of my sister's, the flip side of the single "Johnny Angel," titled (I think) "When's it gonna' get me?" Well, I'm starting to feel like that song should become my own personal anthem. Just once, just for one more time...I would love some good news...I mean REAL good news. (Huge sigh.)
My student loans are coming due, and I've no money. I still owe $500 for mom's funeral, no car insurance in a few more days, unless I can find something....car wouldn't go in reverse at first, this morning..it's really starting to go...and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, I still owe the landlord's $650, I'm only supposed to have 2 cats--I still have all 7, my body (and spirit) is really taking punishment from this job--some nights I can barely walk to the car afterwards. Why am I here? What's it all for? Why do I even bother? Is this living? Who cares, right? Why care? Nobody reads this stupid stuff I write, why should they? Who am I? Nobody. Just Nancy is nobody. I can't say just how much I really do hate myself tonight. I just don't see anything ever getting better. I'm going to die penniless and alone in a pauper's grave...almost like my mom did..and that's not anything to look forward to.
I mean, look at me. I'm just a fat, dumpy forty-something, with no future, no lovelife (ever), no money, a lousy personality (sometimes, like right now), no family(to speak of), no possessions of any real value. Nothing. Who the heck wants to read what I write? This is reality. It ain't no TV show. Reality is hard, it hurts and it's just bad news.
I feel so incredibly useless. I am so good on the phones, and with helping people==but can't get a job doing what I do best, because---and let's face it, they're (employers) right: I'm a loser. Right at this very moment, I honestly feel like garbage.
Someone told me tonight that I needed a haircut...time to break out those kitchen shears (sigh). Only problem is, I can't see the back of my head too good, and my hands aren't as steady as they used to be.
I don't have much in life to look forward to, so I take things as I can get them. I did catch a couple of minutes of Doctor Who tonight. Only a couple...just wanted a glimpse of a flying Dalek...great special effects and superb acting. Even gave me some tiny bits to add to my current efforts at a DW short story. And, I play cards on the computer: cribbage, euchre, whist, Texas Hold-em, Spades and 7 card stud. I have a little picture puzzle and a train puzzle to fool with, when boredom overcomes me, I have a few DVD's for the computer and a handful of tapes (which I've seen a zillion times already) for the VCR...and I often get one local station on the TV, and, of course, there's my books as well as the internet. So, I do have some more entertainment than I've had at other times. And, sometimes, if I watch my funds, I can treat myself to an ice cream or McDonalds hamburger. And there's always the park on the lake to sit and watch the boats/tourists. I suppose that's more than some people have...still, I do get terribly bored, sometimes. But, I've had my adventures and travel in this lifetime, already, which is more than a lot of people have had...so, maybe I'm just being a spoiled brat for complaining, I don't know...don't know much of anything, anymore.
'Fraid this isn't a very cheery blog, tonight...it's the rain thing with the car..and my job and the money...it's just depressing the heck out of me tonight. Sorry. Maybe tommorrow I'll feel completely different about things, who knows?
ADDENDUM:
7:15 AM:
Well, I had an omen. Don't know if anyone believes in signs, but I've been getting this particular type of "sign" for over 2 decades--and it, unfortunately for me, has yet to be wrong. I have one kind of bad dream...and it is invariably a harbinger of really bad stuff. Since 1983 (the year my parents divorced, all our pets died, my best friend died and we lost our childhood home) I've been having a dream about tornados. I am definately not kidding. Every single time I dream that a tornado is coming....something bad happens...and the more this dream is repeated, the worse the "bad" is. For instance...in the months leading up to my mom's death, tornado dreams...loads of them. Shortly before I lost our home...tornado dreams...multiples. Now, I've had 2 tornado dreams....they always happen in the morning. In this dream, I was at work, doing my job, everyone was happy with my work...next thing you know, me and the EMT's (they employ them where I work) are looking at the radar for our area...everything's fine, just some rain--until: it shows a terrible tornado on the screen. It's headed: naturally, right exactly for us. Next thing I know, I'm packing the cats into some kind of storm shelter, and the tornado/storm is right on my heels....and I wake up sweating and scared, 'cause I know what this dream means and I know from long experience that there's nothing in the world I can do to prevent whatever's about to go down. It may not be today or tommorrow...may not be for weeks, but it IS going to happen. And God, I'm terrified. I'm not joking about this. I'm not making this up, I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not imagining things. This really has beein happening for a long time. I haven't had any bad dreams in many, many weeks. Now, wham-wham! A one-two punch in the space of a week, same type of dream...something really awful is about to happen to me. Eviction? Car gone? Violence? Accident? Am I going to lose a cat/cats? Job loss, heavy bill and/or fine, homelessness, jail (you never know with these dreams), fire or a natural disaster, robbery, death of a close relation or friend, a serious medical problem with me...it could be anything. Maybe the world won't come crashing to its end...but for me, it's the waiting that's hard...and the knowing. This dream has never been wrong...I wish to heaven that it was just a bad dream, oh how I wish....but in over 25 years, it hasn't lied to me yet.
Maybe I'll get lucky and the dream will be prevented from happening, but....I just have a hard time being optimistic with the knowelge of this dream's track record, and of course, everything that's been happening to me.
News: Well, the courts are backing GB all the way...no surpise there, the right-wingers own the country, the courts, the constitution....sieg heil! Heil Bush! Well, that's how I've been feeling about this idiot for years. The man just has no conscience or backbone or tact or much of anything. A vain, immature, shallow person. Worst pres. this country has ever had...and I thought that fruitcake Regan was bad...geez. Almost makes me long to have Nixon back...almost. At least I think Nixon would deal correctly with Iran, which is more than any of the presidents of the last 25 years could do. But hey, that's just my free opinion.
12:13 PM:
Well, another day. Went back to bed for a bit, after writing the above entry. My left knee was hurting, so I took some asprin and propped it up for a few hours. Bursitis I guess, the rainy damp weather is lovely on my joints. Fell asleep, had an interesting dream this time...maybe my mind's way of making up for the nightmare, earlier. Dreamed I'd traveled to an alternate Earth...was boating in the Congo and just lots of weird stuff like that...it was the same time and place, just totally backwards and different, people all had supernatural powers...weird dream, but interesting nonetheless.
Well, was going to put another entry on my playwrite27 tiptop page, but changed my mind. the piece isn't ready yet....a poem. Anyway, around 7 people--total strangers-- have checked out the page in the last day or so...huh, well, whatever. Mr. Happy Hammer is back on the roof today. He'd better not be doing that too early tommorrow, or I'm going to have to ask for a reduction in my rent...this gal is tired and desperately needs to catch up on some sleep.
The motorcycles are roaring by the house in a constant steady stream...they estimate some 50,000 of them are in town this weekend...a town whose normal population I'm told (October through May, roughly) is something close to 15,000. The noise is just awful. I don't blame people for going away for the weekend. The Belmont Stakes is today--won't be the same without Barbaro. I favor Bluegrass Cat. I picked him second for the Kentucky Derby, and was right...think he may have a good shot today, don't know though. Steppenwolfer is looking okay, too, as well as one other horse. I haven't heard about Barbaro, lately. Hope he's recovering okay. What a wonderful horse. The big library in Glens Falls is having their booksale this weekend, want to go, but not sure I can spare the cash, right now. Would be lovely to have something new to read, though. I was trying to save $10 every other week, so I could buy the New Dr. Who videos when they come out, but now that money has to go towards the car. :(
Maybe I shouldn't wish for something good to happen. Maybe all I should do is simply be thankful nothing bad is happening to me right here and now. Maybe that's all there is for me, in this life. Maybe that's all I can hope for. Sometimes my life feels shrouded by perpetual darkness, but hope is a candle that illuminates the musty corners of my soul.
Quote from Keats:
..."When dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud, Sweet Hope! celestial influence round me shed, waving thy silver pinions o'er my head.---from Hope.
posted by JustNancy | 12:51 AM
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