"White bird in a golden cage..." Friday, I was feeling a bit like the bird in the song. Sometimes I feel like if I don't get out of my cage (of poverty and backbreaking labor), I'm just going to wither away...shrivel up inside and become so insignifcant in my own time, that no one will ever notice when my soul becomes dust and simply blows away on tommorrow's wind.

Oh, I dunno'. Maybe I'm perhaps being a touch melodramatic, ey? Seriously though, I'm feeling much older than I actually am, these days. Oh, I don't mean my looks--heck, when you seriously look just like your late Polish aunt and grandmother--looks...you tend not to obsess with overmuch. No, I mean inside...I feel like I've lived twice as much in the last few years than I have in the last 20. Some of that living was quite nice...but most--especially in the last 2 years--just awful.

I mean, I could probably deal with the current dead-end situation...if I hadn't had all the other bad stuff that went on long before this to deal with, as well (getting ripped off for several thousand--my only savings--dollars, my dad's death, losing out--right at the last minute--on our (mom's and my) dream home, my mom's sudden death, having to drop out of college after 5 years of hard work, not being able to find a job right off for the first time in over 30 years, losing my trailer that was the only home I've ever owned (caravan if you're European)...ah, the list is actually much, much longer than that, but those are some of the "highlights," as they say. Any idea how it feels to work full-time, at a hard, dirty job, and have to go to a food pantry for hand-outs every month? Well, I will tell you--it feels lousy! Because of my weird hours on this job (different shifts), I haven't been able to find a second job--been looking for 3 months with no success.

I must say, I really, really, really HATE it, when someone comes up to me, and breezily says, "well so and so is hiring, why can't you get a job there?" Yeah, like I'm just going to waltz in the door and say "here I am!" and the employer is going to jump up and say "Great! You're hired!" Nope, don't think so... Been working since the winter of 1975, that little scenerio has yet to happen...but, that said, until my 45th year, I'd never had a problem finding work that I liked--okay, usually liked. Until my 45th year, as a matter of fact, it never took me longer than 2 or 3 weeks to find employment--sometimes I simply went from job A to job B without a pause. I absolutely despise the post-9/11, post-internet, post-republican world. I want to time travel, go back to the nice, safe, sane (well, almost sane) Seventies. No republicans (mostly), hardly any computers, (virtually) no cable TV or video games, no AIDs, no ultra-conservatives, hardly any religious fanatics, Mc Donalds still made fries with animal fat, everyone happy to be themselves--no Livestyles of the Rich and Famous yet, no obsession with health--Okay, so we had to deal with polyester and big hairdos... Far-out! Disco lives! Rock on!

Anyway, speaking of time travel, I only got to watch about 10 minutes of Dr. Who tonight. I really didn't get much out of it, on account of the fact that there seems to be more commercials than show on the Sci-fi channel, but it seemed nice, what I saw (the now infamous naked Captain Jack scene, the Doctor in Big Brother house)..but I almost got caught watching TV in the big bosses' office...I was actually working, by the by, one can dust and watch television too, you know. Quite frankly though, I'm so fed up with the management's attitudes at SGR (towards employees) that I feel like saying, "Fire me--please!" If I didn't need the job to keep the roof over my head...but alas, I do.

I'm still sick, got dizzy several times at work tonight. On top of that, I strained my foot lifting stuff, and that hurts, too, very much. It may seem I'm obsessed with Dr. Who, but the truth is...the show just makes me happy...I can't say why...I just find it so terribly entertaining, I always feel better after watching the show. So if I'm obsessed, I think that it's a healthy obsession--although I draw the line at dressing like the Doctor, or making my own Dalek, ha-ha. I was reading that Bush's ratings are at an all-time low....the guy's been pushing the stupidity envelope for years...now John Q. Public is starting to push back. What is it Seneca said? Something like "a govenment who's hated doesn't last long." Or something near to that, anyway. Those ancient Romans weren't stupid, that's for sure. Bush didn't graduate anywhere near the top of his class...maybe he should have stopped doing coke or getting drunk or whatever and started reading more...the guy doesn't even read a newspaper...what's that tell you? Me, I'm just the librarian's daughter, and you know what? That's okay with me.

11:16 am:

I was thinking about the fact that I've not been to chruch lately. During the summer before my late mother's death, and for months after, I prayed profusely. It seemed to me though, the harder I prayed, the worse things got...I stopped praying--except for the sake of others. But I wonder if I'm wrong...still, I guess that's for God and me to know, I suppose.

I would never try to force religion on a person, and I believe that anyone who does try to do so, is horribly wrong. I think that each indivdual should embrace--or not--their religion on his or her own terms. Thomas Jefferson once said: "I am for freedom of religion and against all maneuvers to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another." Which is one of the reasons why I'm all for gay marriage and partly why I don't give my complete respect to religious-based pro-lifer's. It pains me to see anyone try to shove their religion/religious views down anyone's throat. I totally repect those with strong religious faith...just have a problem with people who try to foist those beliefs on others--without their express consent. There are ways to show your faith, without ever having to say a word about your religion. I think it's okay to pray in public, or bless God in a sentence, stuff like that...just don't want someone to grab me and force me to kneel against my will---which is, in a way, what people who try to change laws based solely on their own religious belifs--and nothing else--are doing to the rest of us. But, that's just my own personal opinion.

Well, Saturday and...big surprise--more rain! Hooray! I guess this has been one of the rainiest several weeks on record. So then, at least it will keep the tourists indoors mostly, ey? Today in my town, there's a tow truck convention (not kidding) and (also not kidding) the "official" Elvis Festival--sanctioned by the Presley estate itself, oh gosh oh golly gee whiz. Next weekend is the Americade motorcycle rally---ten thousand plus motorcycles converging on one small resort town with a total of three traffic lights in the whole place--yippee skippee. And the third weekend, there's the state-wide fvolunteer fireman's convention---thousands of firemen and their families and hundreds of fire and rescue vechicles in a huge parade...oh joy, oh rapture. Oh damn...gonna' take forever for me to get to work through all the traffic! Then we have a weekend's pause (I think) before the Forth of July holiday crowd comes pouring into town...ah well, no one forced me to live here...and at least I'm just outside the village limits. (Small sigh).

Spent the morning pouring over my checking account...with dyscalculia and numerophobia, balancing the books is not only a major chore--it's a genuine nightmare. If I'm right in my calculations, and I'm very careful indeed with my spending and nothing bad happens...maybe I can spare some cash for a much-needed oil change for my car. As usual, it's a wait and see situation. Not holding my breath or anything. Long to be able to get my hair cut, buy a hair dryer or a new pair of jeans...not in the cards though. Miss being able to buy a paperback book, but I settle for re-reading the books I have...better than nothing, I say.

Thought for the day:

Spend more time appreciating what you have, and you'll have less time to miss the things you don't have.